Yesterday I tendered my resignation. I am a Londoner and at this point, we are about to see the whole city reopen. Lockdown measures are about to get loosened considerably and people are eager to get back into work.
And I resigned.
And no, I don’t have another job, at the moment. I never would have imagined finding myself looking for a job at the worst possible time in recent history. But I also never felt lighter.
Making this choice was not easy. I could argue that the whole point of my mental breakdown was my fear of letting go of my current company. I was stuck in this mental prison. Maze would be a better word for it, actually. A maze where I would lose myself, tumbling down a downward spiral. I was worried I would get people so upset they would want to fire me, which would make it impossible to sustain our current way of life, which would have led people to think I’m a loser, which would make them stop loving me. I was afraid of ending up alone and shunned.
When I calmed down, and my fiancee reassured me that this issue would not come between us, I started to see options and possibilities instead of one dead end. I also realised that working for so long in an environment that was so immersed into the logic of profit and investment and finance is not for me. I don’t believe in the way money is funding projects, I believe that most of the tech we have (and which I consume first-hand, don’t get me wrong) is superfluous and that all the effort that collectively, as a civilisation, we are putting into consumer tech, as opposed to the elevation of our civilisation as a whole, is wrong.
I am not saying I advocate for total removal of tech. I am saying we should stop improving the buffer quality of tv shows and start looking at providing food, health and resources to all humans on the planet. I am talking about purpose that goes beyond profit, purpose that goes beyond growth.
I believe that I was experiencing massive mental fatigue because of that. I could see and hear the go-getters constantly hustling and bustling, looked at some of the work we were doing and asked myself “why”?
So, yes. I am about to be jobless and this is the worst time to job search. But I feel ligth, serene, and optimistic. It’s been a long time since I felt like that.
That’s all I can offer: if you feel bad, listen to yourself. Quitting a job is a practical nightmare, but you are more resilient that you know, if you are free from crippling anxiety. Thanks to therapy and medication I am absolutely there. I am doing the work. You can do it too. You’re not alone!