Day 180 after mental breakdown: it’s one of those hard days.

Today it’s been 180 days since I had my mental breakdown. I have been struggling with mental health for a long time, and Sertraline (50mg) is certainly helping. Still, not finding a job is adding to my underlying depressive state. How do I cope when even “one day at a time” seems too much?

Today is not a good day. I have been without a job for more than three months and I have been rejected by a gazillion companies. I am indeed applying to almost everything I can find that is more or less close to my profile.

The first four or five weeks after breakdown I found a state of bliss. I was taking care of myself, being gentle with myself. I was also quite far from having to face hard economic circumstances. But time passed, and we are running out of money, literally. Our savings (which were never impressive to begin with) are almost gone. My fiancee is still working, though. Which is what is keeping us going for the moment.

But she also had her breakdown about six weeks ago. That changed everything. It’s a story for another day. The point is: our material conditions are getting worse. I also applied to all possible benefits I might have been eligible for, but I received negative outcomes all across (except for the Jobseeker Allowance, which is a mere £74 a week – I am still grateful for that).

I have also looked into logistics, as in might shifts in warehouses. No luck yet. It’s so bizarre having a CV that demonstrates seniority while at the same time looking for Christmas extra work for Royal Mail. Which rejected my application because they filled all their slots in the blink of an eye.

I received the umpteenth rejection this morning, and for some reason it hit me hard. I got five rejections yesterday, and I kept myself up with long baths and music.

What about today? Well, I am coping by writing whatever is coming through my mind while sitting in the park. I know we are locked down, but this is my 1hr of air. LOL.

At the end of the day, we have to remember that the world is facing a deep identity crisis. Work is too hard and not rewarding enough, capital moves from workers to owners, health is a luxury, fascists and nazis are everywhere, the global climate is crashing and Coronavirus doesn’t seem to be going anywhere.

Let’s take it 10 minutes at a time. This is how I deal with my worst days. I find something that will keep me occupied for 10 minutes. That’s doable. Then I find something else. The objective is getting through the day.

Today is a bad day, but I will make it through.

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